AdorableMooseI had a vivid memory today. Back in 2004 my grandmother died. That same year, a few months later, my adorable dog Moose almost died. (Yes, I know, half of my life is spent on sick dogs.) Moose had bladder stones and he filled up with urine. He had emergency surgery to have them out. The problem turned out to be a congenital defect where he couldn't process cystine and it formed crystals in his bladder. So much fun!

Here's why I thought of it--I had to keep close watch over that dog for ten days. I got a laptop and figured how to work from home. I slept in the living room because he couldn't handle steps for fear that he would tear his sutures. For that time, I was a complete shut-in. I liked it. I remember having a vivid realization: with each day I spent in the house, the idea of leaving became more and more distressing.

At the time, I blamed it on depression. I was very close with my grandmother and her death undercut my foundation. But I'm feeling the same thing now and I couldn't be less depressed. 

Am I going stir crazy? No.

Am I nuturing my budding agoraphobia? Possibly.

Whatever. It's no big deal. I'm making really good progress on my books. I mean real progress, for everyone who keeps quoting The Shining to me. Trust me, I know the movie.

"Now, we're going to make a new rule. When you come in here and you hear me typing or whether you don't hear me typing, or whatever the fuck you hear me doing; when I'm in here, it means that I am working. That means don't come in. Now, do you think you can handle that?"

That's something interesting that just occurred to me--I've had a couple of books now that were mostly clean. Accidental Evil had six shits and zero fucks. The new book, Madelyn's Nephew doesn't have anything stronger than two bullshits. Why? I dunno. I don't have a particular reason to keep adult language out of my books. I think everyone who reads them is perfectly capable of dealing with a few casual curses. For some reason, they just didn't feel right. I'll write a particularly dirty story when I'm done with these. That will liven things up again.

It's a great feeling to crack open a draft I wrote a while ago and start to work on it again. I can see my thoughts there, hidden behind the words. I can teleport back to those feelings and recognize myself as a person independent from my current self. Sometimes the ideas there surprise me and I realize that people shrink as much as they grow. It's like pizza dough you're trying to push to the limits of the pan. Here and there it gets to thin and a hole breaks through. Those holes are in our souls, man. #TeenagePhilosophy


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