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So I'm on day twenty four of P90X, and that means it's Kenpo X day! I've done Kenpo X three times already; no surprises coming. It makes me wonder about the origins of this workout though. 

Kenpo is supposed to be some kind of martial art. I'm sure it has a rich tradition, chock full of all kinds of meaningful spiritual and cultural significance. Unfortunately, as soon as you add the "X" to Kenpo X, it turns into this odd ballet of spinning/jerking/sweating. Kenpo might come in handy in a scrape, but I don't think Kenpo X has any chance of helping you survive hand-to-hand combat.

P90X brings results. You can't argue that point. Right now there's a spot under my right scapula that has been "resulting" for about three days. Look closely on the P90X website and you'll see their secret:

"Brought to you by Pfizer, the makers of Advil®."

That's not their only secret, either. If you've watched the Plyometrics video, then you've met Eric, who has a prosthetic leg. P90XBandaid That's not even the best part. The best part is that Eric's prosthetic leg has a BAND-AID. You can come up with any theory you'd like, but anyone who has completed Plyometrics is not surprised that somehow that workout has found a way to make plastic bleed. 

Back to Kenpo: I don't feel intimidated by martial artists in movies. I think it started with Bruce Lee. Before he'd start a fight, Bruce would take a moment and crack his neck and other joints. You see this a lot in movies. Think about Agent Smith before he takes on Neo. Think about El Mariachi in Desperado. These guys are about to engage in a life-and-death duel with their rival and they take the time to stretch?

I guess stretching might give you a slight edge in your range of movement. Perhaps it relaxes and centers you before you start raining down the terror. But when I see someone stretching before exercise, I think "Oh, he/she doesn't want to injure himself/herself. Smart." So now you've got some big scary fighter, about to engage in a fight, but doesn't want to get hurt.

I'm not afraid of that person. I'm afraid of the person who is so enraged that they'll come at you bloodsport7before they've finished tying their shoes. I'm afraid of the lunatic who is emptying his pockets and handing his glasses to a stranger because seeing is not as important at that moment as pounding flesh.

I'm also afraid of the villan from Bloodsport. This guy had two warmups:

  1. He blew snot out of each nostril, and,
  2. He jiggled his fancy man-tits.

That guy is scary in ways I don't even want to consider.

The guy I'm not afraid of in Bloodsport? The "banana nut crunch" guy who could do the splits so well that he could kick a butterfly off of a passing rainbow. Seriously: who is Van Damme planning on kicking? training4Is there a situation where I'm going to be attacked from above, and I'm going to say "Damn! I wish I had learned to kick straight up at the sky, like that Van Damme guy"? I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he anticipates fighting a really tall guy with a weak jaw. If he could just land one kick, just one, under that lummox's jaw, this fight would be over! But can't the tall guy just take a half step back and knock Van Damme over with a sneeze?

Oh well, I'm sure that Kenpo X is working, but I won't realize how until Mr. Miagi shows up and explains it to me.