SeattleRoom1You know how when you check into your hotel room, it's never as big/roomy/deluxe as the picture?

"It said 'Mini-Kitchen,'" one exclaims. "Since when does 'Mini-Kitchen' equal a one-cup coffee maker on the room's only table?"

Don't get me wrong, it's a nice enough room. It's just not nearly as super-extra-cool as the website purports. One nice thing: it's right down the street from the University of Washington, which means you have plenty of opportunity to watch gloomy Seattle college students trudging up the street under the load of enormous backpacks. Good times.

SeattleRoom2Well, regardless of whether you like the size & fanciness of your room, one thing you probably don't expect is that the managemet has corralled a herd of angry buffalo directly above your room. I'm pretty sure that's what the occupants of room 113 thought today. 

I checked into room 213, and I did what anyone would:

  1. I carefully unpacked my clothes.
  2. I took inventory of what was ready-to-wear, and what needed ironing after the trip.
  3. I read about the local amenities.
  4. I moved some furniture around.
  5. I did sixty minutes of Plyometrics (which is high-intensity jump training).

Turns out that the floors are not quite as thick and soundproof as I thought. With each jump, the floor squeaked and squealed. With each landing, I could hear the echoing thud in the room below me. You're supposed to try to land as softly as possible, so it's good that I was aware of the noise & trying to be quiet. But once I started really sweating (another great thing to do in your hotel room), I started to care less and less about the people below.

SeattleRoom3At first, I was distracted by the mirror directly behind me, but it turned out to be fun. I noticed some parts of the workout where my form was really lazy and sloppy. Perhaps I'll put mirrors up all over my house.

Oh, and I should mention, some people (Celeste) have been asking why I came out to Seattle this weekend.


What I find interesting about P90X is that I really didn't intend to take it seriously, and it still sucked me in.

Libby (David U. Libby) bought a copy and left it on my server one day. This means that it was suddenly available, day and night, on every television in the house. It became impossible for me to ignore. 

At first I thought – "I'll just do the Ab Ripper X every other day and see what happens." For about three months, I fired up the drag-me-straight-to-hell ab routine and cranked out sixteen minutes of resultless sweat. I definitely got better at the routine, but that was the only result I saw.

Then, one day in March, I decided to try Chest & Back, just to see what it was like. I had to buy a couple of weights and a pullup bar, but the investment was really low. I didn't write anything down that first day (you're supposed to record how you do on each exercise), and it kinda kicked my ass, but it was fun. I documented the first day's lessons with a Top 10 list. After that first day, I just kept doing it to see what would happen.  What happens is this – P90X becomes quite addictive. You feel better, have more energy, and steadily improve at the routines. I wasn't restricting my calories (much), but you still lose some weight and definitely lose some inches

After finishing the first round, I took a week off and then dove back in with a loftier goal – I was going to do "doubles" (which tosses in an extra cardio routine on all the weight days), and cut back to 1200 calories a day. For the first month (July), I experienced amazing results. I had already bulked up and slimmed down, but I still lost twenty pounds during July, and it felt easy.

weightI would have stuck with that plan all the way through round two, but then I got sick. I wasn't very sick –  I just had a slight cold one Tuesday (which was my stretch day) that lingered into Wednesday. I felt just bad enough that I came home after work and decided I wouldn't do Chest, Shoulders, and Triceps, or Abs, or Cardio. This was the first time I'd ever cancelled a P90X day, so I felt guilty. When I woke up feeling great on Thursday, I figured it was time to make up for slacking off.

Thursday, July 28th, I did four workouts: Chest, Shoulders, and Triceps; Abs; Cardio; and Plyometrics. Friday, July 29th, I discovered that I had a hernia. No big deal, I got it fixed, but it did force me to take a break from the obsessive workouts.

A strange thing happened while I was on my workout break. Normally, even on a restricted-calorie diet, if I'm not working out then I maintain about two hundred pounds. It takes concerted effort for me to get down to one-eighty. I was at one-eighty, but I was definitely concerting the effort, so it made sense. When I couldn't work out anymore, I expected to nudge back up. I didn't want to, but I expected it.

Instead of drifting back up (with the exception of a very brief surgery-spike), my weight continued to drop. Granted, I was still eating less than two-thousand calories a day, but not religiously less. And I certainly indulged in many bowls of french fries at the various fall fairs. So now, I'm down in the one-sixties, and I'm not really 100% sure why. Have you ever looked in the mirror and noticed that your skin is kinda draped over your shoulders, like a cloak? I never had until yesterday.

Hopefully, with another round of P90X imminent, I can ramp up the calories and start adding muscle back to fill things out a bit. Here's to good health! Cheers.

The surgery went well, I think. They said to expect bruising and swelling – I didn't really have those. They said to expect pain – that was minimal on most days. They said to expect to be in the recovery room for about an hour – I was there for about four hours.hernia1

Just in case I forget next time, can someone remind me that I don't do well with general anesthesia? The same thing happened when I had my appendectomy. They examine me beforehand and judge that I will "do well" with general. I don't. I couldn't even keep my eyes open for a full minute until about six that night. In a way, it was awesome. Sleep is a wonderful gift when being awake makes it hard to breathe.

hernia2I have no reason to complain. Everything went great and I feel really good. Three weeks have passed since the procedure and they told me to wait three to four before getting back to exercise. I can hear Tony Horton (P90X guy) calling to me from the DVDs. He's been taking it easy on me, because he knew I was recuperating, but we all know that I'm going to have to Bring IT very soon. My plan is to start fresh on Wednesday.

HerniaIncisionsThe first time, I made it completely through P90X. The second time, I only got through six weeks of P90X before stopping for the injury. So, I'm just going to call this "Round 2" and forget about the failed round. Also, I'm starting this revision of "Round 2" thirty pounds lighter than I started the last round (more on that later). I'm hoping to figure out how to build lean weight this time, whereas before I was always fine with losing. 

It's always good to learn new things. In fact, I learned a new word today. My word of the day is this:


Do you know what it means? I'll use it in a sentence: "You, sir, have an Inguinal hernia." This was, of course, not the news I'd hoped for. I went to the doctor because of the fancy new squishy lump in my lower abdomen, but I'd hoped that he would say something more like: "Congratulations! It seems you've won the fancy new squishy lump lottery! That lump entitles you to fifteen unsupervised minutes in our Squishy Lump Prize Closet®!"

InguinalHerniaAt that point, I thought I'd get to go home with an adorable jellyfish or something. Inguinal hernia wasn't even fourth on the list of things I'd hoped to get from P90X.

As you can tell, I'm blaming this all on P90X. Nevermind that 27% of men will get them1 (and I'm sure a far small percent of men do P90X); my hernia came from doing four workouts in one day: Cardio X; Plyometrics; Chest, Shoulders, and Tri; and the aptly named Ab Ripper X. It would be awesome to know if my abdomen actually ripped during Ab Ripper X. 

I'm including a medically accurate picture so you'll know what my hernia actually looks like. Don't worry, I've blurred out the dirty stuff.

It should have been obvious that I was headed for some sort of injury. For my second round of P90X I decided to do "doubles," where you add a cardio routine on all the strength days. The Thursday before my hernia, I decided to do Chest and Back, Plymetrics, Cardio, and Abs. By the end, I was a little sloppy. 

Read the next blog "Okay, Just a Little Pin Prick" to see how the surgery turned out.

As you work your way through P90X the second time, spend the extra effort to seek out these little bonus moments. A lot of people incorrectly assume that they're mistakes in the videos. They're actually tiny presents to you, for you to discover and cherish as you sweat all over them. I'll catalogue some of them here to get you started.

  1. Ab Ripper X / It's a Numbers Game... Pfeiffer Scissors are awesome. All you have to do is lie on your back, hold one leg straight up, hold the other leg an inch from the floor, and CHANGE WHEN YOU HEAR THE NUMBER ONLY. They're simple instructions that he repeats after the third repetition – "Don't change without the number." You might have a small problem when you get to seventeen, since he refuses to SAY THE NUMBER. On fourteen they had the courtesy to overdub. Tony's voice comes in and says, "Fourteen," without his lips moving. Bonus!
  2. Ab Ripper X / Magic Knees... Near the end you have a choice between Upward Dog or Cobra pose to stretch your stomach. As he describes it, you can do, "Upward Dog – knees on; Cobra – knees down." You might wonder, if Cobra is knees down, then what is the "on" in Upward Dog? The answer should be obvious. If you want to do Upward Dog, you should put your knees "on" the air just above your mat. Bonus!
  3. Legs & Back / Stretchy Shawna... During the stretches, you often get to meet Shawna-Backthe participants. In "Legs & Back," you find out that Shawna's teeth look like Chiclets because she's studying to be a dentist. That seems like an insult; shouldn't really good looking teeth look like ... teeth? What kind of terrible dentist would make your teeth look like gum? Doesn't gum promote tooth decay? Is she studying to be the one dentist out of five that doesn't recommend Trident? Anyway, you get two nice camera angles during this conversation and they switch back and forth. Shawna-FrontWhen seen from her right, Shawna's arms are behind her back. When seen a second later from her left, her arms have migrated to the front. This is NOT disingenuous editing. In fact, Shawna is so stretchy, that she actually stretches her arms enough for them to pop through from the back to the front. Bonus!
  4. Legs & Back / Trust Us... Everyone knows that math is hard. One of the great things about P90X is that you don't have to pay attention to the math on most of the exercises. Tony counts for you, so you can just sweat. When you're doing twenty reps of something hard, like "Sneaky Lunges," the last thing you want to do is to waste any mental capacity on counting. You'll be busy doing several other things: staying on the balls of your feet; trying to get the timing right when Tony stops telling you what to do; leaning forward without resting your whole rib-cage on your thigh; and "adding the arms." It may feel like a betrayal when you realize that Tony has told you repeatedly to do twenty of these lunges, and then he coaches you through twenty-two. Think of it this way: ten percent extra, FREE with the box set! Bonus!
  5. Core Synergistics / Recovery Disambiguation... The word "recovery" can mean a lot of different things. In P90X, there's one thing it certainly DOESN'T mean: rest. Recovery week in P90X is a brand new opportunity to get your butt kicked by several workouts. Two of the days in recovery week are dedicated to Core Synergistics, which means "Of (or relating to) exercising your core so hard that your entire body weeps." A lot of people misinterpret this weeping to be sweat. Those same people also misinterpret "core" to mean "the area around your trunk and pelvis." In P90X, working the core means: A) Several types of bizarre pushups; B) Weight-bearing lunges; C) Table Dip / Leg Raise; D) Low Lateral Skaters; and more; and more. The first time you do Recovery Week you'll be tempted to think that there's been some kind of mistake. Just don't plan on recovering anything except a new found appreciation for Advil. Bonus!
  6. Core Synergistics / Think Fast... Do me a favor? Say this phrase as fast as you absolutely can: "Mini-break, break's over." Did you say it in less than a second? Did you leave any audible gap between the "k" (in break) and the "b" (in break's)? If the answer is yes, please try again. If you can make "breakbreak's" sound like one word, then you've recreated what Tony says in "Lunge-Kickback-Curl-Press" at about 1:04 left. This is a three minute, nineteen second exercise. I think it's generous of Tony to give everyone a microsecond mini-break before going on to the next lunge. Bonus!
  7. Core Synergistics / How insulting... Twice during the Core Synergistics routine, Tony reminds you to keep your core muscles "taunt." During the lunge and reach he says, "Keep them slightly taunt. That is the key." We know from other videos that Tony has a problem with conjugations and verb agreement. He says things like "It's all about, what? Doing your best, and forget the rest." So, perhaps he means for your to keep your core muscles slight taunted. It's fun to ridicule your muscles while you work them, try it! Bonus!
  8. Kenpo X / Broke... If you're like me, you love the breaks in Kenpo X. There's no better way to take a break from aerobic exercise than to jog in place, jump rope, jump jacks, and then execute "X-style" jumping jacks. Those "X-style" ones are the ones where you jump completely off the ground and make your body into a big X. Very complicated if you're battling to keep your heartrate under 200 bpm. Tony does give you a break from the break though. After the second set of Kenpo X moves, he says you're going to do ten X jacks, but then after number five he says "three more." It's almost comforting to realize that they didn't correct this mistake. It would have been easy to edit in a repeat of two of them to round out the ten, but instead, they leave it at eight. For me, it strengthens the illusion that the video was done in one take. Bonus!
  9. Yoga X / Simon Didn't Say... There's a great moment before the first Runner's Pose of Yoga X. SimonDidntSayEveryone has a leg up in the air for quite a while before Tony notices. He kinda suggests that they swing their leg through to Runner's Pose, but he wasn't really clear. I love to watch them – everyone's got their downward-dog on, they've got their right leg in their air, seconds pass, then tens of seconds, Tony's yammering on about something. Meanwhile, at home, you've realized quite a while ago that you should be in Runner's Pose, so you're just watching the screen with a big smile. Even Adam (the dancer; the wildman; the guy with 0.5% bodyfat) is starting to waiver a little before Tony turns around and sees that the "kids" haven't caught on yet. If you're looking for a little extra challenge in your Yoga X, see if you can make it to the kitchen and back (for a low fat treat, perhaps) before Tony relents and lets his "peeps" swing their legs through. Bonus!
  10. Yoga X / Balance and Trickery... After thirty minutes of doing the same thing over and over, it's easy to shut off your brain and fall into the pattern. That's why after raising a leg and swinging it through a dozen times, Tony says "We're going to do something a little special," before he has you "exhale the knee to the forehead." This is during a downward dog, of course. Notice he doesn't say your knee; he says the knee. It would be absurd for you to somehow "exhale" your own knee to your forehead during downward dog. On a good day, I'm lucky if I can exhale a knee at all, let alone to my own forehead. That's not even the weirdest part about this exercise. If, at thirty minutes in, you're somehow alert enough to pay attention, you'll see that you'll do the right side three times, and the left only twice. It even sounds like there's a rough edit here, but the countdown clock moves seamlessly, so I'm sure it's not just a problem with the DVD. You can use that extra time you would have spent on the third knee to the forehead to think about what you can't afford (calorie-wise) to have for lunch. Bonus!

Well, I'm sure you've found plenty of other "bonus" moments, but those are my top ten. If yours isn't listed here, write it in below. Bonus!

P90XSmoking1Tony mentions smoking twice in P90X. Both times he's doing some sort of squats. The first mention is during Plyometrics, where he says something like "Dont' get too relaxed here; don't go smoke a cigarette." His hand is slightly out of frame when he says this (see the picture on the left), but trust me, he's miming a cigarette in his hand. 

P90XSmoking2The second mention is during the Legs & Back workout when you're doing the "Groucho Walk." To complete the Groucho Walk (see the picture on the right), you hold your hand up like you're smoking a cigar.

I think that Tony equates squatting with smoking. I imagine that Tony grew up in a very strict household with very dirty toiletseats. His one form of rebellion: Bathroom Smoking. But who could stand the thought of actually resting your buttocks on that sticky, smelly seat? Tony was doomed to hover over the seat, in an extended squat with the fan running full-speed and a cigarette blazing between his fingers. Now he shares his dirty bathroom obsession with people who just want to get a good workout.

squat-toilet-warningI'm glad that Tony has this weird smoking, bathrooming, squatting fettish. It makes for a really thorough quadriceps burn. It probably wouldn't be considered a good workout in most of the world though. Think of all the people in China who squat even lower than this every time they need to go. They'd laugh at Tony for only being able to squat for sixty seconds at a time. 

Actually, we should all be squatting to go "number two." Health problems attributed to sit-down toilets include hemorrhoids, Crohn's disease, and colon cancer. I read somewhere that Jimmy Carter hasn't sat on a toilet seat since the late 70's, when his excruciating hemorrhoids required surgery. I wish I could figure out where I read that. What the hell was I doing reading about Jimmy Carter's hemorrhoids?

This is day 88 for me on P90X. I haven't missed a workout so far, and all I have left is StretchX, Core Synergistics, YogaX, and StretchX again. You might notice that although it's called P90X, it's actually a 91 day plan. That makes it an even 13 weeks, so it makes sense.

I don't have anything bad to say about the program. It's challenging. Even the days that seem like they shouldn't be that hard are still difficult. It makes me sweat just as much as biking ever does. I've lost about ten pounds, but that was mostly in the first month. Even after the weight-loss stopped, my waist continued to shrink, so I believe that I've added some weight in muscle.p90x

When you're doing the resistance days (the lifting days), you write everything down so you can track your progress. With those logs, it's easy to see the changes in your ability. On day 5 (this was back on March 27) I did Legs & Back for the first time. On the calf raise exercise, I held 14 pounds in each hand as Tony showed me how to do the 75 lifts. That was really hard. When I got up the next morning, walking was just a tiny bit outside the scope of my capabilities. I stretched next to my bed for several minutes in order to move around enough to complete my morning chores.  After a nice drive in to work, in the same position for thirty five minutes, my legs had stiffened into nice right angles. I had to prop myself on the railings just to get down the stairs at the parking garage.

This past Sunday (day 82), I did the same calf raises with 40 pounds in each hand and I barely felt it. I would move up in weight, but the lifting takes almost three minutes and my hands give way from holding the dumbbells that long. I might need to get some lifting straps to keep moving up with this exercise, but I think that my hands/wrists/forearms will strengthen more too.

It does feel like one thing is missing though. The program doesn't really have an ending. You have 12 videos that you do in different combinations and orders. The first three weeks are just like the ninth and eleventh week. The last week is just like the fourth and eighth week. There's some repitition, but it changes enough that I didn't mind. But for the last few weeks I've been envisioning the last day, and I think, "What's he going to say?" After that last StretchX, on day 91, what's Tony going to tell me at the end of the video. Nothing, of course, he'll say the same thing he always says at the end of StretchX: "Nice work. See ya next time."

But I've finished the program, shouldn't he give me some kind of pep talk? Shouldn't Tony tell me all about how I can come back and do it all again, to live a healthier, more "Bringing It" life every single day? It's just hard to believe that Tony wouldn't have a special message at the end for everyone who has toughed it out for 91 days.

So I guess I do have something bad to say about it. It needs an ending. Not that I'm planning to stop – I've got round two queued up and ready to go. But it would be nice to have the milestone acknowledged.


This was Day 34 of P90X for me. Week 5—Day 6, which meant Kenpo X again!

I've done Kenpo X five times now (day 6, 13, 20, 24, and today), so you gotta figure I know the routine pretty well by now. I certainly feel like I know how to do the lifting videos at this point, and I'm a damn genius at Ab Ripper X. But Kenpo X is different. There are a lot of moving parts in Kenpo X. I realized during the jab, cross, hook, uppercut section that doing everything exactly wrong might feel the same as doing everything exactly right; especially to the self-taught.

I'm sure it's the same thing with Yoga X too, but I've taken yoga from an instructor for several years, so I think I know what the forms are supposed to look like. When Tony Horton (on the P90X DVD) tells me to go into Prayer Twist, I hear Brett (my yoga instructor) in my head telling me to do the following:

  1. Tone my abs,
  2. Keep my front knee above my ankle,
  3. Straighten and lift my back leg,
  4. Push the ball of my back foot towards the back of the room,
  5. Press my elbow into my thigh,
  6. Pivot my belly over my leg,
  7. Puff out my kidneys,
  8. Breathe into my back,
  9. Straighten and lift my back leg (again),
  10. Relax my face,
  11. Lift my front toes, and,
  12. Lower my hips.


Seriously, Brett (pictured to the left, on his day off) will say ALL OF THAT during one prayer twist. He's a real chatterbox. Tony barely says anything about what I should puff and where I should breathe. So what if I had a Kenpo X instructor watching me flail around today? He probably would have laughed until he threw up, and then made me throw a single punch again and again for an hour until I got it right.

Does it matter though? Would I burn more calories with the right form? That hardly seems logical. Usually doing it wrong = inefficient, and inefficient = more energy expended. I can't imagine a bunch of martial artists haning around trying to figure out how to throw a punch like a botard so they'll collapse in a sweaty heap. They probably prefer to throw a million punches without huffing and puffing.

One interesting thing about week 5—even the routines you've done before are harder. Week 4 was supposed to be a recovery week. It was mostly cardio, core, and stretching. Week 5 added two new routines on days 1 (chest, shoulders, and triceps), and 3 (biceps and back). Turns out that those new videos are really hard. It's part of the P90X "really hard" workout scheme. They give you a bunch of "hard" stuff to do for a month, and then (as soon as you feel like you've got a handle on that), they crank it up to "really hard." It's a very cunning plan, and well executed too. I've been just as sore for the past 4 days as I was for the first 7. But, like I said, the interesting thing is that even the routines you thought you knew become harder. The legs and back on day 5 was difficult on weeks 1, 2, and 3, but it's even worse when you've done a million pullups on day 3. Even the yoga kicked my ass this week.poison_03

There's a guy in the back of the Kenpo X who does the whole routine with a smirk. He's got the confidence of a 80's hair-band guitarist in the middle of a solo. Look in his eyes—he just wishes that a home intruder would break in during this video. He would tear that thief's head off and then "hook, uppercut" the bloody stump. The rest of us are also praying for a home intruder, an armed one, who will just shoot us before we have to do one more panting back kick.



So I'm on day twenty four of P90X, and that means it's Kenpo X day! I've done Kenpo X three times already; no surprises coming. It makes me wonder about the origins of this workout though. 

Kenpo is supposed to be some kind of martial art. I'm sure it has a rich tradition, chock full of all kinds of meaningful spiritual and cultural significance. Unfortunately, as soon as you add the "X" to Kenpo X, it turns into this odd ballet of spinning/jerking/sweating. Kenpo might come in handy in a scrape, but I don't think Kenpo X has any chance of helping you survive hand-to-hand combat.

P90X brings results. You can't argue that point. Right now there's a spot under my right scapula that has been "resulting" for about three days. Look closely on the P90X website and you'll see their secret:

"Brought to you by Pfizer, the makers of Advil®."

That's not their only secret, either. If you've watched the Plyometrics video, then you've met Eric, who has a prosthetic leg. P90XBandaid That's not even the best part. The best part is that Eric's prosthetic leg has a BAND-AID. You can come up with any theory you'd like, but anyone who has completed Plyometrics is not surprised that somehow that workout has found a way to make plastic bleed. 

Back to Kenpo: I don't feel intimidated by martial artists in movies. I think it started with Bruce Lee. Before he'd start a fight, Bruce would take a moment and crack his neck and other joints. You see this a lot in movies. Think about Agent Smith before he takes on Neo. Think about El Mariachi in Desperado. These guys are about to engage in a life-and-death duel with their rival and they take the time to stretch?

I guess stretching might give you a slight edge in your range of movement. Perhaps it relaxes and centers you before you start raining down the terror. But when I see someone stretching before exercise, I think "Oh, he/she doesn't want to injure himself/herself. Smart." So now you've got some big scary fighter, about to engage in a fight, but doesn't want to get hurt.

I'm not afraid of that person. I'm afraid of the person who is so enraged that they'll come at you bloodsport7before they've finished tying their shoes. I'm afraid of the lunatic who is emptying his pockets and handing his glasses to a stranger because seeing is not as important at that moment as pounding flesh.

I'm also afraid of the villan from Bloodsport. This guy had two warmups:

  1. He blew snot out of each nostril, and,
  2. He jiggled his fancy man-tits.

That guy is scary in ways I don't even want to consider.

The guy I'm not afraid of in Bloodsport? The "banana nut crunch" guy who could do the splits so well that he could kick a butterfly off of a passing rainbow. Seriously: who is Van Damme planning on kicking? training4Is there a situation where I'm going to be attacked from above, and I'm going to say "Damn! I wish I had learned to kick straight up at the sky, like that Van Damme guy"? I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he anticipates fighting a really tall guy with a weak jaw. If he could just land one kick, just one, under that lummox's jaw, this fight would be over! But can't the tall guy just take a half step back and knock Van Damme over with a sneeze?

Oh well, I'm sure that Kenpo X is working, but I won't realize how until Mr. Miagi shows up and explains it to me.


Dear P90X,
You didn't hurt me as much this week; thank you for that. I'm hoping I can easily walk more than fifty yards at a stretch tomorrow. That alone would make this week better than last week.

Dear sweat dripping from my face down to my big belly,
My belly is perfectly cool. In fact, it may even be cold. You can stop dripping down there now.

Dear Kenpo X back kicks,
You make my legs hurt. You make my standing knee feel like it's going to buckle. You make my flailing leg feel stupid and ineffectual. If I were actually trying to kick someone behind me, I'm sure they would laugh as my floppy foot bounced off their shin and I fell down. You also make my hips seem glued together. The hip is supposed to be a ball & socket joint; mine is like a ball & thing-clamped-to-ball joint.

Dear Kenpo X back kicks performed by Tony Horton,
You look like the cover to Karate Kid (the new one), and that makes me sad. Tony talks about how he's not really that flexible. He's a dirty liar.

Dear Pull-up bar,61ND1uNfnxL._SS400_
Go f*** yourself... You know why.

Dear Plyometrics (and everything else that makes me jump up),
My house is made of wood. This is a natural ingredient of some houses and it's not meant to withstand the constant punishment of a fully Americanized 21st century adult body bouncing up and down. P90X is giving me the opportunity to have the best, most ripped body of my entire life, but I will still need a place to stay after that. It's not like I can just walk up to a new house, take off my shirt, and have people invite me to stay with them. So when I'm jumping up and down, and the TV begins to shake, and then I notice pictures on the walls start to shift, I'm thinking you don't have my house's best interests at heart. Please don't make me break through the floor. Then I'd have to "Bring It" all the way from the cellar back up to the TV set, and that makes me sad.

Dear Chair dips,
The next time I'm at a fancy dinner party and someone drops a napkin, I'll probably bend at the waist to pick it up. I don't need to grip the seat with my hands and lower myself down to the floor. I know that's not the point, but I'm just sayin'.

Dear Pain in my side,
You normally only show up after spending all day at the lake swimming. Please go away until then.

Dear Week 3,
Heads up.


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