People shouldn't be allowed to drive. Maybe it's just me.

You can't maintain a safe following distance. Actually, I don't think anyone actually knows what a safe distance is. When I was taking driver's ed with Mr. Cox, we learned that one should maintain a two-second following distance. Since your speed is constantly changing, you should periodically pick an object by the side of the road — I recommend a sign or a guardrail — and as soon as the person in front of you passes it, you start counting.

do_not_enter_signsHere's something to think about while you count: a South Dakota man was arrested for having sex with street signs. They confiscated his camera while he was in the act, and found all the evidence they never wanted to see. This is a fetish near and dear to me because about ten years ago, a friend and I made it up. We made up a lot of fetishes in that time and talked about creating special interest groups surrounding them. As far as I know, this South Dakota man became besotted with street signs as a direct result of my meddling. Next time you see a picture of a guy with his johnson in a birdhouse, that was my idea too. Shoot, have you counted past two yet? Then you counted too far. You're just supposed to count off two seconds.

Anyway, as soon as that car in front of you passes the next sign, think of Verle Peter Dills  (google it, I dare you) and start counting.

If you managed to count off two seconds before you passed that same object, congratulations, that means two things:

  1. You're maintaining a safe following distance to stop in case of an emergency, and
  2. Someone is a nanosecond away from squeezing in between you and that car in front of you.

Yes, as soon as you give up enough ground to follow safely, that's the cue to other drivers that the gap in front of you is the most desirable driving location in the entire world. If you polled them, you'd find their second most preferred location is about seven and one half milimeters from your rear bumper.

Do you still have the google open? Try this. It takes forty-two-thousand web sites to talk about fecal contamination of pools. If they had the internets forty years ago, I bet they could have covered this topic in no more than five-thousand websites, tops. People are just getting too lazy to get out of the nice water to go take a dump. Either that, or they're too stupid to realize that shitting in a pool is a major downer. Either way, people shouldn't be allowed to drive.


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