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I've got a lot of old bits built-up here, so just skip over anything you've heard before...thors-clothes-1

A bunch of friends get together at the house on Tuesday nights to eat dinner and watch TV. One of those guys, let's call him Chris Christofferson (without all the K's, because, you know...) ((by the way, his real name is Èmílîö, but those accents are a bear to type, so I'll call him Chris)), likes the same podcast that I do. We like this podcast so much that we could spend hours talking about how much we hate everyone responsible for creating it. The podcast is sometimes very funny, but mostly it's just irritating. The main appeal for me & Chris seems to be that we know everything about it. We've spent so much time listening to this drivel that we get all the in-jokes and meta references. I would tell you the name of this podcast, but I'm currently so mad at them that I could spit.

111207181_2d4597c3a9_oAs I said, Chris and I could spend hours gabbing about this stupid podcast. Unfortunately, everyone else in the Tuesday group couldn't care less about it. Actually, it's gone farther than that now. They're beyond apathy; as soon as Chris and I start talking about the podcast, everyone else in the room groans and rolls their eyes. They look at us like we showed up to a Christmas party and then started making out on the couch next to the fondue pot. The only thing worse is when I start to talk about P90X (day 44, WhuWHAA?). Let that remote control stray near my hand and I'll punch up my latest favorite workout so I can talkthors-clothes-2 about how awesome Tony Horton is. Even Chris rolls his eyes at that. By the way -- BMH's synonyms for "making out": snogging. swapping spit. tonsil hockey. angering the PDA-police. Frustrating the prefects. giving each other a furious tongue-lashing.

Speaking of P90X, week six was awesome, but I'm not sorry to see it go. On the plus side, I didn't $h*t myself during the Legs & Back workout (not even once!), so it was already better than week 5. On the down side, I watched a maraton of Big Love right before working out and I kept confusing Tony Horton for Bill Paxton. "Why don't you go marry some more underage women, and THEN you can tell me how many plange pushups to do!"

thors-clothes-3Here's my P90X "Tip of the Day": Record your reps, weights, and how you felt after each exercise. A handy place to keep track of your stats is on the back of a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) form. It would be tragic if you happened to collapse from cardiac arrest during P90X. Worse than that: to be shocked back to life by paramedics only to find out you still have twenty-five minutes of exercise to do. Play it safe; sign a DNR.Mindi_Abair_with_saxophone

The people working out behind Tony have got to be the best part of the videos. They're fit, but you can tell that some of them used to be downright fugly. Some careers demand a less attractive individual. The more good-looking a comedian, the less likely they are to be funny. Sax players have to be careful as well. If you're a decent saxophonist, don't get too buff or wear anything too slinky. I have two examples which easily prove my point: the guy from Lost thors-clothes-4Boys (Tim Cappello), and the lady from American Idol (Mindi Abair). They just look ridiculous. A good sax player should be at least thiry pounds overweight.

Speaking of overweight, I need to mention my friend Thor Heyerdahl (his real name is Tom). He's not at all overweight, but he believes he is. Anorexia is characterized by a distorted self-image (check), fear of weight-gain (check), and eating extremely little (okay, he eats almost normally, but still). Sorry Thor, but two out of three ain't bad. The other day Thor left his clothes at my house. I know what you're thinking, but we were working out, that's all. Seriously, that's all. Anyway, the next weekened, a bunch of us thought it would be funny to dress up in Thor's clothes. Wearing other people's clothes is fun. Dressing up a baby in Thor's nice shirt and perching her on top of a horse -- classic!

Speaking of fun things, ticks suck.

Also:

thors-clothes-5I texted that to BMH (Brian Mutha-effing Holdt y'all,  -pop-  !POP!), and he almost lost his mind. He's a big fan of Baked Ruffles Sour Cream and Cheddar chips. Ugh. BLECH! He replied "BLEXCELLENT!" He's a zealot for these chips. People get crazy-angry about the strangest things.

Have you ever gone to leave the house, forgot something, and walked back in? You slink in like a criminal. God forbid someone catches you. A well timed "Back so soon?" comment is enough to send me into a murderous rage. My friend Copernicus (his real name is Anthony) reminded me of another good one: you get halfway to the parking garage before you realize you left your keys back in the office. On your way back in, someone says (read this in a goofy, sing-song way) "You're going the wrong way!" I believe all criminal charges should be waived for retaliation to a statement like that. In fact, if a person says "You're going the wrong way!" then you should be legally obligated to punch them in the face.

thors-clothes-6 Here's a picture of a baby girl dressed up in Thor's clothes and sitting on a horse. Classic, right? Finally, I've secretly posted a picture of my abs for Katie Chandler (her real name is Shannon). I think they're underneath Thor's shirt though.