Category: Writing Posts
Hits: 1789

Ike asked me to guest blog today. It has been a while since I've written anything other than environmental remediation reports, so please excuse me if my snarky rant drifts about like a TCE plume in tidally impacted groundwater through an unconsolidated aquifer. (Exhibit A, your Honor, which proves that technically accurate environmental contaminant metaphors don't work... especially when they are similes.) Much like the fabled G-spot, finding the mental switch from "technical report" to "sarcastic jackass" is not that easy. Unlike the G-spot, however, my mental switch actually exists.. bear with me while I fumble about for it...

My former blog, has sat dormant and angry for about a year and a half. During that time, there have been a record number of environmental catastrophes, including the recent quakes in Japan, New Zealand, and Chile, the puzzling massive bird dieoffs, and the eruption of Eyjafjallajökull in Iceland. As an environmental scientist, I feel it is my duty to comment on most tragic catastrophe of all, which is, of course, the failure of any of these natural disasters to stop "The Jersey Shore". I often hear that show described as a train wreck, but I wholeheartedly disagree. You see, when there is a train wreck, people hope and pray that survivors might emerge from the twisted wreckage. Another key difference - trains have guards in place so that accidents aren't caused by stupid cows getting in the way, whereas that show is all about stupid cows getting in the way and causing accidents. (note to self: contact NTSB re: the Snooki-catcher train guard - patent pending)

Time out... it is not right that I'm being cruel and hateful in a blog just because I am trying to be funny, so I apologize from the bottom of my heart to any cows who might have been offended by the previous statement.

Speaking of Eyjafjallajökull (and you know you were), here's a few interesting facts about Iceland:  

In many ways, it is a smaller version of America: they are most famous globally for one giant ash-hole, whereas we are famous for lots of giant ash-holes (see "Jersey Shore" rant above for details).

As I was saying, it has been a while since I've written, and in my absence, a bunch of bad shit has gone down, and not just in the natural world. Socially, the world seems to have taken a bit of a nose-dive as well. I'm talking about the decline of spelling due to texting, the decline of music due to Willow Smith, or the decline of proper haircuts due to Justin Beiber. These are all omens, harbingers of doom, bad ju-ju... these are all irrefutable proof that in the last 18 months... wait for it... I have gotten old.

"But wait", you say, "no one as handsome and awesome as you could ever be considered old. Surely you jest, you magnificent hunk of manliness, youth, and vigor?". Alas, I fear it to be true. I have found myself criticizing parts of society that are always criticized by old folks... the music, the fashion, those damn kids driving too fast... GET OFFA MY LAWN, YOUZE LOUSY KIDS! On some level, though, it is reassuring, like I am part of the cosmos, and the more things change, the more they stay the same, that sorta deal. I am angry about the latest disposable Disney pre-pubescent idols like folks were mad about the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show. I am tweaked by Jersey Shore just like people were for the first MTV Big Brother or even Candid Camera back in the day. And finally, I am annoyed by "I Whip My Hair Back and Forth" in the same way that everyone from Cro-Magnon Man to Christopher Columbus to FDR has been annoyed by other things that really, really suck on a cosmic level. And just like Christopher Columbus bitching about Queen Isabella in his blog (bitch better have my money!), here I am, griping about Snooki, Beiber, and the rest.

That's all for now... maybe I'll stop in again once I get my head organized a bit and figure out how to best get 18-months worth of thoughts out of my head. Then again, maybe I'll just go get a snack.